In case you haven’t noticed, the media has discovered Ceara Lynch. In recent years, she’s been the subject of televised interviews, cable television network shows, popular podcasts, e-magazine articles, a local television news story, and even a full length hybrid documentary (“Ruin Me”) scheduled for release in Dec 2017. Not yet a pop icon, she is becoming the public face for an expanding niche of internet entrepreneurs. Culturally her persona resides at the intersection of the American dream, feminism, entrepreneurship, and sexual freedom. Ceara Lynch’s art doesn’t have a message. She’s stumbled onto something, recognized the opportunity, and took advantage of it. There’s no deep meaning or message in her work. No socially redeeming value. She’s not beating some drum for an issue or idea. She’s just making money and having fun with it. And that’s a large part of her public appeal. She’s genuine, unambiguous, and isn’t pushing some sort of cultural, social or political agenda .
And that makes me smile. I’m glad for her. But not because we have some sort of special relationship or anything like that. We don’t. I’m just one of tens of thousands of online admirers who find her attractive. And finding her attractive, I put her on a pedestal. But in my experience, most women don’t want to be put on a pedestal. Not a high one, anyway. They find it uncomfortable. Placing them on a pedestal runs counter to their more realistic sense of self.
So how high of a pedestal befits Ceara Lynch? Or conversely, how much of a display of my submissiveness is too much?
When it comes to BDSM behavior, I generally hate lists of “rules.” Interpersonal relationships are not build so much on rules as upon mutually respected boundaries discovered through an agile process of mental give-and-take. That said, below are a few thoughts for male submissives about pedestals, self-esteem, service with dignity, and playing with Dommes in general, and Ceara Lynch in particular.
- Dommes (and submissives) are people. Vanilla courtesies always apply.
- Don’t try to act like a Domme’s submissive or slave without their consent. Would you try to act like a woman’s boyfriend if you weren’t? Of course not. Same principle applies. It takes two people to establish that relationship. Don’t be a tool. Get the Domme’s buy in first.
- Don’t showboat. Sincerity counts more than a disingenuous performance.
- Your fetishes, needs and desires matter. They are not, however, the Domme’s problem until she chooses to address them. If the Domme won’t address them, there’s a reason – most likely your desires and hers aren’t compatible. In that case, don’t persist in trying to establish a relationship. Not having your needs met doesn’t make you a submissive, it makes you a martyr.
- Your fetishes, even if they don’t involve your penis, are intimate acts. They are as personal as asking for sex. Govern yourself accordingly.
- Unless a Domme asks for them, don’t offers acts of service for acts of kink. It’s not a fair business deal. Your service is generally of far less monetary value than what the Domme would otherwise earn for enabling that act of kink you want.
- Not all Dommes are comfortable with you buying them stuff. If you want to buy them stuff, ask first. Money is power. Given freely and sincerely, gifts and tributes are a type of of power-exchange that can lead to a mutually satisfying experience. If on the other hand, the Domme thinks you are just buying them gifts as a way to exercise your own power, that mutually enduring and satisfying relationship you seek will continue to evade you.
- Your submissive desires do not define you. They are not the entirety of who you are. A Domme’s long term interest in you will have more to do with you, the whole person, rather than you, the submissive.
- Professionals who stay in the business will be trading a real service for money, and will be as explicit and up front about what they do to max extent possible. Anyone less explicit and up front (i.e., women who demand tribute first) are either scammers, naive, or not serious about their profession.
- You are no more or less valuable as a person just because you are a male submissive. You are not unattractive to all women. Some may even find your fetishes compatible with their own.
- Dommes can’t sustain a conversation based on how awesome they are. Don’t force a worship dynamic on them. Use compliments like you would salt and pepper – apply sparingly and where suited.
- Don’t mash a square peg into a round hole. Try to make your needs sexy and inviting, and not like a chore the Domme’s doing for you.
- Safewords are so you can say “no.” Use a safeword if you’re afraid you don’t have the willpower to stop. Discuss in advance with your Domme what it means to you. Never assume the Domme knows. Never, ever assume.
- If you act like every Domme is the last lifeboat off the Titanic or your only chance at a relationship, she is going to run away. Don’t behave like a nut job. And don’t get taken advantage of because you are desperate.
- Don’t compare Dommes with each other. Discussing with a Domme how she is prettier, saner, smarter, etc., than some other Domme won’t go as well as you think it will.
- Penis size is less important than you might think. The average aroused penis is just over 6” long and 2” in diameter. The average aroused vaginal opening is 6 1/2” deep and 2 1/2” wide. The area that is thought to be important for most women’s sexual response is the outer one third. The point is, dicks longer than 6 inches are mostly just humping air.
- You can’t seduce women with a lousy picture of your anus. Or dick pics.
- Don’t tell the Domme how their gender or ethnicity makes them naturally dominant. Dominance is a state of mind, not a physical attribute.
- Don’t tell Dommes certain sex acts aren’t ‘dominant’ or worry about how subs aren’t supposed to want certain things. Satisfying your partner as a sub may mean doing what she wants, not what you wish she wanted.
- Pegging, cross dressing, etc., are not inherently submissive. ‘Serve’ is not synonymous with ‘kinky sex act’. If you just want it up the butt, you don’t need to call a woman ‘Mistress’.
- You are allowed to have limits. Give some thought to them. Know them. It is not your Dommes job to ‘push’ or ‘expand’ your limits unless you both think that idea of that is sexy.
- Dominance and submission is more like a dimmer switch than a radio button. You’re not either a dominant or a submissive. Most people have a mix of dominant/submissive personalities and sexual tendencies. It’s a spectrum that people fall somewhere in the middle. Find where you fall, embrace that person, and enjoy it.
- Don’t trash talk other subs or try tell a Domme how you are an “alpha”slave or “a true submissive”. Your ranking system is self labeling and bullshit.
- Dommes can be insecure, sad, clueless, make mistakes, need snuggles, fall in love, have terrible taste in media, get horribly infected ingrown toenails, have body image issues, question their sexuality and self esteem and at the end of the day are just as lost, clueless and fumbling around as you. So don’t be surprised when they fall off that pedestal you place them on. Because they will. Best to lower that pedestal a bit so no one is hurt the next time they do.